I keep getting friend zoned in every Mass Effect game

I’ll admit, Mass Effect isn’t a series that brings me nostalgia because I’m a pretty new fan. After years of wondering why the internet was so obsessed with Garrus I decided to dive into the series earlier this year. As I do with most games, a short while in, I ventured over to my PlayStation’s trophy section to take a peek at what I should be looking to achieve during my playthrough. Very rarely am I a completionist, but I do like to at least try and earn as many trophies as possible - and one in particular caught my eye.

For the uninitiated, Mass Effect takes into account your choices which in turn, affect the narrative. One of those choices surrounds your love life. Shepard has the option of wooing whoever he or she likes. If you get yourself a partner, that’s a trophy for you. Get a partner in two Mass Effect games? Here, have another trophy. I thought to myself, sure. I can do that. Off I went to virtually flirt my way through the galaxy. Little did I know just how disastrous my efforts would be. To call it a puncture to my ego would be an understatement.

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Here’s the truth of it: I keep getting friendzoned. In both Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2, I have failed miserably in my romantic endeavours and it’s not through a lack of trying, trust me. So, here I am publicly outing my lack of tact. Let’s go back to my Mass Effect playthrough. I set my sights on Kaiden Alenko and began to flirt at any given opportunity. “That’s not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, lieutenant,” Shepard said to him with a smirk. Aye aye, I thought. Things are starting to heat up.

Mine (Well, Shepard’s) and Kaiden’s conversations continued like this. I was nearing the end of the game and just like magic Shepard and Kaiden leant in for a kiss .. only to be interrupted by Joker. This is okay, I thought. It’s part of the story but then came a cruel act of divine intervention. My PlayStation suddenly crashed. I reloaded up Mass Effect only to discover I’d have to redo a couple of conversations all over again. I did. This time? Kaiden rejected my kiss. A glitch in the universe really said ‘not today’. So close, yet so far. My chance at romance, in this game at least, was over. Alas, the only action Shepard got involved guns on the battlefield.

As the credits rolled, I moved onto Mass Effect 2. A fresh start. After my failings in the first game, I wasted no time courting the first person I laid eyes on: Jacob Taylor. Just like with Kaiden, things started off well. I’d chat to Jacob aboard the Normandy. I don’t know if anyone else has tried to woo Jacob in this game, but something about Shepard’s voice changes. This woman certainly has the hots for this guy. “I think we need each other. I know I need you,” Shepard whispered as the duo held hands. I’ve done it, I thought to myself. There’s no way this can go wrong.

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Things soon went very wrong. Flash forward a few hours and the relationship between Shepard and Jacob was really progressing. Shepard declared her love when Jacob suddenly decided to place me in the friendzone. “Did you forget everything, Jacob? Forget us?” Shepard asked. “You want to talk about this now?” he replied. YES. YOU LEAD ME ON. I DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SUDDEN CHANGE OF HEART NOW. Calm, calm, breathe. The argument played out. Jacob decided helping people was more important than our blossoming romance. With a broken heart, I continued on with the story - returning to the Normandy to try and rekindle what Jacob and I once had. “Let’s not ruin a good thing Shepard,” he’d tell me every time, putting me right back in the friendzone. F**k boy.

It’s been a testing experience to say the least. I’m soon to begin Mass Effect 3 and I can only hope that the old saying ‘third time lucky’ proves to be true. As the great prophet Taylor Swift once said, “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow,” so I’m going to take this all in my stride.