Elden Ring: Five NPCs You Should Never Kill (And One You Totally Should)
Stay your blade, friend
Elden Ring's strange world is filled almost exclusively with things that want to kill you dead. There are, however, a handful of friendly faces in The Lands Between waiting to offer help and guidance.
But who should you trust? Given that you can pretty much start swinging your sword in the direction of anyone in the game, it can be all too easy to panic and start slicing up a potential ally before they've had time to make their case. But that's precisely why I'm here now, my tarnished friend. The following five NPCs are among the best and most useful Elden Ring has to offer, and should under no circumstances be harmed. But, because I know curiosity may get the better of some of you, I've explained what will happen to each NPC if they are killed. I do this, so you don't have to.
Miriel, Pastor Of Vows
Bandai Namco Entertainment
I'd have thought this one would go without saying. If you see a giant turtle sleeping peacefully in the grass wearing a Pope hat and your mind turns to violence, I'm sorry to report that you are a wrong'un.
Miriel, Pastor Of Vows is the best of us all: A kind and wisdomous creature whose two favourite things in life are literally learning and forgiveness. If we were all like Miriel, the world would be a better place.
Alas, we are not. Man's reckless curiosity and rampant hubris was once again on full display earlier this week when a number of players decided to murder Miriel just to see what happens. You gain nothing from this act, other than a handful of turtle meat (Jesus H. Christ) and a lifetime of gnawing regret. Don't do it.
Ranni
Bandai Namco Entertainment
Ranni, AKA Renna, AKA Don't Google Image Search This Character Without Safe Search Enabled is one of the most important NPCs in all of Elden Ring. Not only does she hand you the all-important ability to summon spirits early on in the game, she's also behind the game's longest - and best - questline, which in turn leads to the game's coolest ending.
So, what happens if you try to kill her? Not much, to be honest. Unlike Miriel, who sits there and patiently waits for the end (RIP my shelled brother), Ranni has the wherewithal to simply teleport away. This, of course, locks you out of the aforementioned questline and ending. You can essentially undo this by visiting Miriel's Church Of Vows and requesting absolution, but it's easier to just not try to murder creepy doll lady.
Iron First Alexander
Bandai Namco Entertainment
Iron Fist Alexander is to Elden Ring what Pikachu is to Pokémon. I will not be elaborating on that further. The lovable sentient pot shows up at multiple stages throughout Elden Ring, often requiring the player's help to get him out of sticky situations. Help that literally involves oil and spanking. This game is filth.
Thinly disguised fetishes aside, Alexander is a good lad that's always ready to help out in a fight on his journey to become the ultimate warrior. If you really want to, you can attack him during one of your encounters until he smashes into hundreds of tiny pieces, but why would you? You gain an entirely useless item, and lose Elden Ring's funniest character for the remainder of your adventure. Not really a fair trade.
The Merchants
Bandai Namco Entertainment
Okay, so this is technically multiple characters, but allow me this one. The merchants of Elden Ring are so wonderfully weird, aren't they?. As is FromSoftware tradition, these purveyors of exotic wares can be found camped out in the strangest places making vaguely menacing statements in the player's direction, or otherwise expressing genuine surprise that somebody wants to buy something.
While I certainly question the business savvy of a man who sets up shop deep underground in the ruins of an ancient city guarded by eldritch monsters just to sell old bits of twig and moss to anyone who happens to pass by, I respect the hutzpah. That's why I could never lay a finger on any of them, even if doing so does actually have genuine benefits.
White Faced Varre
White Faced Varre is probably the first NPC you'll talk to in Elden Ring, given that he hangs out right by the tomb where players emerge into The Lands Between. While I understand the impulse to cut him down where he stands is strong, especially after he brutally observes you don't have a girlfriend, you'll want to stay your blade.
Fly into a rage and try to kill Varre if you want - though he will put up an impressive fight. But I'd advise leaving him be so that he can teach you all about invading other players. Because why pick on a NPC when you can fight it out with other humans?
Patches
Patches is, and always will be, the pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. He's the kind of person that would use the word party as a verb, or unironically recommend a Mumford & Sons album. Don't trust him. Don't even talk to him. Just find him, and kill him.
Featured Image Credit: Bandai Namco EntertainmentTopics: Elden Ring